Final Thoughts

Final Thoughts

Brilliant trip. Quick goodbyes but we’re all meeting up somewhere at some point anyway.

It’s Wednesday. My feet still stink. Just can’t get the smell off. Rubbed them in Jacob’s face but it didn’t help. Although it amused me for a second or two.

Still on the Malarone. Almost forgot to take it last night. Texted Lawrence last night to make sure he took his last one… No reply though. Maybe he died shaving?

Namibia - Day 24 - Johannesburg to Heathrow and Huddersfield

Day 24 – Johannesburg to Heathrow and Huddersfield

Wide awake at 5am. Landing soon. I bet it’s bloody raining in England. Either that (Becca just spazzed) or it’s been the hottest summer on record and people are taking drastic global warming prevention action.
Beat Lawrence in an epic of a chess game. Just heard Rockstar on the radio, which is always good. Just so glad it’s a song I recognise. Had Gnarles and Outkast on in the early hours. That was fun too!

Just remembered. In a shop in Johannesburg, we passed a cabinet stocked with fragile-looking ornaments. On the front of the cabinet there was a sign saying ‘Now ask for assistance’. Why? I can see the cabinet and its contents perfectly. It was as though I am unable to look by myself. Maybe it was for the kitchen area of the shop? Maybe the African kitchen department was deemed too dangerous and hazardous for a member of the public to enter unaided? Oh how we can only look back and contemplate.

Back to the plane. There’s some shite on the radio now… It’s usually crap. Right, I’m turning it over –
Whey! Channel 8 has that strange African song from the Lion King or summat like that. We took off with this song about 10 hours ago.
And now it’s changed to shite again. This radio is strange. Got ‘Bridge over Troubled Waters’ now, which has just decided to finish early. Or did I arrive late?
Shit! Thought Bowie was on but it was bloody Elton. Time for change…

Sacked it off now. We’re over Paris so nearly there anyway. Plus just missed ‘Wonderful World’. What a pain in the arse.

Just realised they’ve only offered us one chance for free alcohol. I was gonna stock up proper! Only ordered one whisky and coke whilst Lawrence got 2 bottles of champagne. And Becca and Katie got more and more whisky. Not fair in my opinion.

Whey! Bit of U2 on. At least I recognise this song. Aaaaaand now back to nothingness.

On coach now on the rainy road back to Huddersfield. Our group stole the back of the coach. Oh yeah, we’re the best. Most of group 2 we’re being twats whilst watching a film… figures.

Attempted ‘Wonderwall’ on the coach, which never really came off.

Not arsed though. We’ve already done it in church!

Namibia - Day 23 - Windhoek to Johannesburg

Day 23 – Windhoek to Johannesburg

Sat on the plane with Danny and Louise to my left. The in-flight entertainment is surprisingly embarrassing. It’s past shit, rubbish or boring, even surpasses unimaginative. It’s ‘Gardens of South Africa’. Basically, a load of close-up shots of fucking cacti. I’ve already seen them! I’ve been living in Namibia for three bloody weeks. The cheek of calling this ‘in-flight entertainment’!
The screen’s going fuzzy. Good. Hopefully it’ll fuck up soon and we won’t even be mildly obliged to watch that crap.

Morning was good today. Had the first hot shower in two weeks. It was razzling. Kind of used up all the hot water though, so Emma and Becca had to have cold ones. Thoroughly deserved again I’d say.
Breakfast was non-memorable, even though I managed to complete that shitty card game. Something about the number 11 for some reason.

Just taken my buff off. My hair is so awesome! So smooth in comparison to two weeks worth of shit in it. Lost the Ash Ketchum look though, which is disappointing but shit happens I suppose. Won ‘best hair’ award last night which was pleasing.

Well that was the worst plane journey I’ve ever been on. Danny got bloody annoying whilst I tried to read. Then, with me ff my arse for two minutes, he managed to spill my beer all over my seat. Got a wet arse now.

Sat in the bugger plane now. Got Team Lawrence in one line! Get in! Lawrence, me, Becca and Katie. We so rule.
Apparently Team 1 didn’t do cooking groups. They so missed out! Gonna watch Master and Commander soon, it’s a right film.

It’s 12:04. Becca’s just turned 18!!! Only three of us up to celebrate. Katie has fallen asleep. She’s so missing out on chocolate and crisps.
For Christ’s sake! Thriller has just come on again on Lawrence’s radio. That’s like the 15th time. It’s just getting silly now.
Watching Horton Dr. Seuz thingy now. It’s well good. Fantastic even!

Namibia - Day 22 - Swakopmund to Windhoek

Day 22 – Swakopmund to Windhoek

Sat at breakfast with the three gossipy bitches Katie, Jenny and Jennie. (They feed of chatter)
We have a strange day ahead of us. May go to the market with Sue before getting on the bus back to Windhoek at 12.

On coach now. Just beaten Becca at chess; wooooh! Managed to spill coffee down me already. It’s a smooth ride though. In fact it’s very swanky for a coach. So much nicer than Hans’ bloody crammer-mobile in Etosha.
This is the beginning of the end I suppose. The start of three days of travelling. I’d love to stay another week or two. Had like a twenty second chat with Mum this morning. She seemed pleased enough to hear my voice. Suppose there are advantages to going back home.

I’ve decided I really don’t want to live in England when I’m older. Here, I’ve come to appreciate good weather, chilled out people and cheap prices. Everyone here speaks English and they all follow a British football team. Unfortunately, it’s usually Manure.
I don’t know where my ideal home would be though. San Francisco Bay, Paris or somewhere obscure like Norway would be so cool.
We played ‘guess the career’ a few days ago on the bus in Etosha. I came out as a bachelor writer living in a London flat, clutter everywhere, drifting in and out of the spotlight, sliding into obscurity. I don’t know if that’s good or not to be honest. Becca’s was surf instructor; Scott’s was mad scientist.
I can see Scott as a mad scientist; inventing something that changes the world but killing himself in the process. Oliver was Mr. 2.6 Children. The family guy with a nice wife, a dog, and a semi in the suburbs. I could see it!

This coach is well snazzy. It has reclining seats and everything! Just seen a security guard stood outside a library in some tiny town. For a start, why? Who wants to run into a library with a sawn off shotgun? What would the demands be? “Put the library stamps in the bag and no one gets hurt! Do it or I’ll take you down”. It just wouldn’t happen. There’s no money in robbing libraries.
So… why have a security guard there? In fact, why have a shiny one as well? All the security guards in Namibia seem to be shiny, weedy, small or all of the three. At home we have bouncers the size of caravans dishing out law and order. I have to say I’ve never seen anyone try to rob Weatherspoons. The Namibian’s need to learn and fatten up their body guards!

Was asked for a coffee a while back. The woman said “Would you like it like me or like you?” I didn’t have a bloody clue what she was on about! I just said “With milk”, to which she laughed. Apparently, as she’s black, she meant black or white coffee. How the hell was I supposed to get that?! Maybe she just doesn’t like the word ‘black’; silly I think.
The coffee was nice though.

Got to the Cardboard Box without too much trouble. Managed to leave chocolate and cake on the coach. Was well gutted and got ripped for it.
One problem with Cardboard Box; they had double booked, so we had no rooms available! Had to be shipped to another lodge for the night. Right pain in the arse.
Although, the boys’ rooms are amazing! The girls had to share a shitty one-room, 7 bed, hole. Thoroughly deserved in my opinion.

Sat up ‘til 12 to sing happy birthday to Lawrence. He seemed pleased enough with our nakered, monotonous effort. What a strange way to spend a birthday.

There’s toilet water all over our floor… oooh yeah feel the cleanliness in the room!

Namibia - Day 21 - Swakopmund

Day 21 – Swakopmund

Writing in retrospect again…
Today was a mooch day. Well, after sandboarding! It was amazing. Having never snowboarded before I was a bit apprehensive. However, streaking down a sand dune knowing you’re out of control and about to bail is actually quite fun.
I bailed every time, and got two on camera! The sledging wipeout was fucking painful. I barrel rolled on my face.
Was left with Becca and Lawrence on top of a dune at the end. The last dune we would walk on. So, we decided to go rolling. I shouldn’t have had the beers beforehand though. Felt shit afterwards.

Roamed around the town for a bit afterwards. Got hassled by salesmen but Becca has developed a perfect way of getting rid of them. Simply blank them and mutter “fuck off” under the breath.

Rowland’s being a cock!

She’s being a right cock!

Back to the blanking technique. Rather than shaking hands with salesmen and form ridiculously stinted friendships, it seems the method of ‘piss off and go away’ works very well to ensure a smooth get away from the market, unscathed.

Had ribs and squid for tea. Absolutely gorgeous. The vegetarians didn’t get their meal on time or correctly. Serves them right for being vegetarian in a steak house.

Namibia - Day 20 - Etosha to Swakopmund

Day 20 – Etosha to Swakopmund

We had to be out at 7:30 today, with tents packed. Ian was well angry, as everyone has lost tent pegs. I reckon he’s lost our pegs so has stolen ours instead.
On bus at the moment. We saw a hyena eating the remnants of a zebra. Vultures or whatever they are were ready for third pickings. I so wanted to get out of the bus. It annoys me that all we see are restricted views of 2D shapes, apparently animals. There’s no interaction! It barely feels like they live in the wild, what with a great fuck-off road nearby.

Just seen a male springbok. I know it’s a male ‘cos of it’s enormous bollocks! Why do all animals have such large bollocks? How on Earth can they run with such things between their legs? Surely they must trip over them. I’d hate to be a zebra with massive thighs. I bet they get crunched all the time. Maybe that’s why they walk looking like they’ve got a pole up their arses. They’re trying to prevent nut-cracking.
On that… elephants. Just thinking back to last night. They’re very large, slow creatures. How the hell is a guy elephant able to perform? He can hardly lift one hoof let alone ‘mount’.

Just had a thought. In Tubusis, I found a sign saying ‘Dik Melk for sale’. I’m sure we can all acknowledge what that means. I’ve now realised why animal bollocks are so massive, so that the ‘milk’ can be marketed and sold to the Namibian population. Clearly demand must be high, so animal bollocks are swelling! A bit like demand for cows milk in England, where you see great big heffers with enormous udders awaiting milking.

Been for a night out in Swakopmund. Well good do. Everyone got proper slaughtered for something or another. Fraser’s private life came up!
Happy drinking tonight really. No one’s gotten off their face which is good. Need to be right for sand boarding tomorrow.
Started reading ‘A good man in Africa’ today after giving up on the shambles that was ‘Brave New World’. One chapter in and already interesting.
Just remembered about my pizza… they’d run out of seafood! I had to have chicken instead. I don’t get it. How can a restaurant situated in a town right next to the coast be out of seafood?! All they have to do is walk down to the end of the road for some ingredients.
Also, went to the market today. Got a wicked mask reduced from N$450 to N$180. I also got a bracelet for N$50 which is cool. Becca managed to break it however. Nick’s been playing with the market men, pretending to be Japanese as he haggles down the price. He did quite well apparently.

Namibia - Day 19 - Etosha

Day 19 – Etosha

My wish for a hot, long shower last night was unfulfilled. Danny and Lawrence and everyone else stole all the hot water, so had a fucking freezing one! Not pleased.
Tea of shit sausages led to star gazing on the road. About to get run over when Becca bailed us all out of the way… cheers Becca!


Done nothing this morning. Went on a drive and almost killed my camera battery. Now I can’t take any more pictures. We have too much food so gorged myself stupid at lunch. At least I felt full for once.

Had by far the best tea of the trip. Minced beef and rice. Becca did the beef which was very much welcomed and complemented, especially after two meals in a row of shit wieners. My rice was bloody good too! Lawrence ended up eating most of his onions.

Been to the watering hole tonight. I say hole, it’s more of a puddle of stagnant water. About 20 elephants turned up. It was amazing! They look so graceful even though they are so large. On that, I saw a giraffe running yesterday. It looked so cool. So much better than when a cow runs. Bloody hell; cows are the most disgusting, ungraceful creatures ever to plod on the Planet’s surface. Lumberous things. Glad I ate one tonight!

Namibia - Day 18 - Tubusis to Etosha

Day 18 – Tubusis to Etosha

Left early today – wooooooooh! I’m glad to move onto something new. I think the rot had set in at Tubusis.
We’re all crammed on a minibus at the moment. There are only 16 seats (thanks Grant) so Susie, Emma, Ian, Becca and Katie are squashed onto the back row. Ian’s pimping it out in style!

Becca’s still on her way to the grave. Her nose is just a leaky tap at the moment. One nostril is completely bunged through. Oli made the joke last night of using her nose as a torch for his tent. She was not amused, and so punched him… good!
On last night, I saw 33 shooting stars. Africa is still in debt to the World however, so my wishes clearly aren’t working. (Oh yes, I’m so fucking moral)

Looking outside. It’s still a Scooby Doo landscape.
I can’t wait to get to Etosha and have a shower. There’s meant to be a huge salt pan which used to be a lake, that has been evaporated by the heat of the Sun. I doubt this happened though. My guess is that the showers at the campsites were once hooked up to the lake, and hoards of smelly, greasy, sweaty expeditionists drained the lake with their extensive washes. I haven’t showered in a week, so am definitely having a long one tonight!

Namibia - Day 17 - Project Day 7 - Tubusis

Day 17 – Project Day 7 – Tubusis

As leader, I was proud to open up the new kindergarden to the children of Tubusis, fully stocked and ready for action. The seemed very pleased. Theresa even smiled!
I feel a bit sorry for Becca at the moment though. The poor little sod has got a bloody nose worse than a 12-round heavyweight boxer’s! It won’t stop either which is crap. Wish it would stop; she’s using up the entire annual Namibian toilet roll supply. What would happen if she bled through the night? Would the tent fill up? Suppose their zip is broken so it would probably leak out and seep into the rest of the campsite… probably.

Was thinking today about the landscape. There’s just a shit load of spikey mountains scattered around the land. It’s like an episode of Scooby Doo; the same background scene is continuously repeated. Actually, meeting Shaggy strolling around the barren lands of Namibia would be cool!

Namibia - Day 16 - Project Day 6 - Tubusis

Day 16 – Project Day 6 – Tubusis

Woke up and have had possibly the worst breakfast I’ve ever had. Namibian porridge is rancid. Like the starchy gloop of pure glucose I had yesterday. But this time I have a bit of sugar. Added jam, but it just made it worse. Cheers guys.
Have got to teach English at 12:10. Bit worried as I don’t speak Africans. So how am I supposed to communicate with the kids? We’ll have to see.

Well… it was brilliant! Nick and I taught spelling, careers, grammar and played hangman. The kids were very good. Got to plan another lesson tomorrow. The kids sang and then prayed at the end of the lesson. It’s so different to England. We would never do something like that in such unison. Go Namibian Education System!

I’ve been told to ponder eggs a bit more, so here goes…
I like eggs. You can do a whole range of things with them. Boiled, scrambled, fried, poached, thrown. Yum yum yum (apart from the thrown one). I still don’t know why people first ate them though. I was listening to a report on the radio back in Blighty about the people of the island of Kilner (Kilner Island). The people’s main food supply was eggs. They had to climb steep cliff edges just to reach the birds’ nests. It seemed a bit extreme to me. Why risk your life for bird sperm when you could just stroll down to Waitrose? (Seriously though, I’d rather grow wheat or summat) I’d much rather grow food and survive than risk my life stealing from a dim-witted buzzard. What kind of species lives on a cliff edge anyway?
It was reported that it was very dangerous to get the eggs. Now, I’m pretty sure people, and in fact all living things, eat so they can survive. It seems these Scottish inbreds died trying to eat. Surely that’s the wrong way round? But may they were just ‘the wrong way round’.

(Princess Diana – Katherine that is brilliant!)

Right I’ve been asked to solve the problem of ‘what came first, the chicken or the egg?’ Should be easy…
We need to look at the creationist theory. The chicken therefore came first. God made the chicken on the 5th day and doth exclaimed a solemn oath ‘I doth declare this creature a chicken. From thine chicken thy shall create a sadistic, hollow franchise chain, called KFC. And I shall fill up thine belly on delicious chicken. For it is the chicken that came first’. (Genesis: Somewhere in the middle)
This section of Genesis is clear evidence of the chicken coming before the egg, especially from the final declaration. It amazes me that no one has realised this. Clearly people don’t read their Old Testament any more. It’s all hype now about the ‘New Testament’. The sequel with Jesus as the protagonist, rather than old God.
People forget that the Old Testament is a bank of knowledge long since forgotten thanks to Jesus and his cronies; commonly known as disciples. And wasn’t it also Moses that etched the 11th commandment ‘The World will knoweth of the chicken cometh first, before the egg’.

Looks like God is right. And you don’t mess with God.

Namibia - Day 15 - Project Day 5 - Tubusis

Day 15 – Project Day 5 – Tubusis

Didn’t have time to write on this day, so writing in retrospect.
Went to church service. It was definitely an eye opener. They all sing really well. We did a rendition of Wonderwall which was shite; the Lord’s prayer went down well though.
The vicar went rambling on about an analogy of God and humans being like a car crash. Strange, but I suppose when you do a service every week, you need to use your imagination after a while.

We had eggs for lunch. Omelette or scrambled. I was thinking in the church about eggs. What drove a person to sample the remnants of a chicken’s reproductive system in the first place anyway? It confuses me. Well… it baffles me. Eggs are nice – granted – but who would think of first eating them?

Went up another mountain in the evening. It was a right climb. So much for Sunday being the day of bloody rest! Scrambled up to the top and couldn’t even admire the view due to picking shit out of my socks. One word to describe Namibia… prickly!

Made bolognaise. But, made too much, so me and Lawrence had a massive amount of sauce. Another problem; our pasta was cooked in very starchy water, and so merged into a gloop of crap. The bolognaise couldn’t penetrate the rapidly cooling mush below, and so had boiling hot bolognaise, followed by cold, tasteless pasta.

Did some star gazing. Saw 12 shooting stars. Go me!