Final Thoughts

Final Thoughts

Brilliant trip. Quick goodbyes but we’re all meeting up somewhere at some point anyway.

It’s Wednesday. My feet still stink. Just can’t get the smell off. Rubbed them in Jacob’s face but it didn’t help. Although it amused me for a second or two.

Still on the Malarone. Almost forgot to take it last night. Texted Lawrence last night to make sure he took his last one… No reply though. Maybe he died shaving?

Namibia - Day 24 - Johannesburg to Heathrow and Huddersfield

Day 24 – Johannesburg to Heathrow and Huddersfield

Wide awake at 5am. Landing soon. I bet it’s bloody raining in England. Either that (Becca just spazzed) or it’s been the hottest summer on record and people are taking drastic global warming prevention action.
Beat Lawrence in an epic of a chess game. Just heard Rockstar on the radio, which is always good. Just so glad it’s a song I recognise. Had Gnarles and Outkast on in the early hours. That was fun too!

Just remembered. In a shop in Johannesburg, we passed a cabinet stocked with fragile-looking ornaments. On the front of the cabinet there was a sign saying ‘Now ask for assistance’. Why? I can see the cabinet and its contents perfectly. It was as though I am unable to look by myself. Maybe it was for the kitchen area of the shop? Maybe the African kitchen department was deemed too dangerous and hazardous for a member of the public to enter unaided? Oh how we can only look back and contemplate.

Back to the plane. There’s some shite on the radio now… It’s usually crap. Right, I’m turning it over –
Whey! Channel 8 has that strange African song from the Lion King or summat like that. We took off with this song about 10 hours ago.
And now it’s changed to shite again. This radio is strange. Got ‘Bridge over Troubled Waters’ now, which has just decided to finish early. Or did I arrive late?
Shit! Thought Bowie was on but it was bloody Elton. Time for change…

Sacked it off now. We’re over Paris so nearly there anyway. Plus just missed ‘Wonderful World’. What a pain in the arse.

Just realised they’ve only offered us one chance for free alcohol. I was gonna stock up proper! Only ordered one whisky and coke whilst Lawrence got 2 bottles of champagne. And Becca and Katie got more and more whisky. Not fair in my opinion.

Whey! Bit of U2 on. At least I recognise this song. Aaaaaand now back to nothingness.

On coach now on the rainy road back to Huddersfield. Our group stole the back of the coach. Oh yeah, we’re the best. Most of group 2 we’re being twats whilst watching a film… figures.

Attempted ‘Wonderwall’ on the coach, which never really came off.

Not arsed though. We’ve already done it in church!

Namibia - Day 23 - Windhoek to Johannesburg

Day 23 – Windhoek to Johannesburg

Sat on the plane with Danny and Louise to my left. The in-flight entertainment is surprisingly embarrassing. It’s past shit, rubbish or boring, even surpasses unimaginative. It’s ‘Gardens of South Africa’. Basically, a load of close-up shots of fucking cacti. I’ve already seen them! I’ve been living in Namibia for three bloody weeks. The cheek of calling this ‘in-flight entertainment’!
The screen’s going fuzzy. Good. Hopefully it’ll fuck up soon and we won’t even be mildly obliged to watch that crap.

Morning was good today. Had the first hot shower in two weeks. It was razzling. Kind of used up all the hot water though, so Emma and Becca had to have cold ones. Thoroughly deserved again I’d say.
Breakfast was non-memorable, even though I managed to complete that shitty card game. Something about the number 11 for some reason.

Just taken my buff off. My hair is so awesome! So smooth in comparison to two weeks worth of shit in it. Lost the Ash Ketchum look though, which is disappointing but shit happens I suppose. Won ‘best hair’ award last night which was pleasing.

Well that was the worst plane journey I’ve ever been on. Danny got bloody annoying whilst I tried to read. Then, with me ff my arse for two minutes, he managed to spill my beer all over my seat. Got a wet arse now.

Sat in the bugger plane now. Got Team Lawrence in one line! Get in! Lawrence, me, Becca and Katie. We so rule.
Apparently Team 1 didn’t do cooking groups. They so missed out! Gonna watch Master and Commander soon, it’s a right film.

It’s 12:04. Becca’s just turned 18!!! Only three of us up to celebrate. Katie has fallen asleep. She’s so missing out on chocolate and crisps.
For Christ’s sake! Thriller has just come on again on Lawrence’s radio. That’s like the 15th time. It’s just getting silly now.
Watching Horton Dr. Seuz thingy now. It’s well good. Fantastic even!

Namibia - Day 22 - Swakopmund to Windhoek

Day 22 – Swakopmund to Windhoek

Sat at breakfast with the three gossipy bitches Katie, Jenny and Jennie. (They feed of chatter)
We have a strange day ahead of us. May go to the market with Sue before getting on the bus back to Windhoek at 12.

On coach now. Just beaten Becca at chess; wooooh! Managed to spill coffee down me already. It’s a smooth ride though. In fact it’s very swanky for a coach. So much nicer than Hans’ bloody crammer-mobile in Etosha.
This is the beginning of the end I suppose. The start of three days of travelling. I’d love to stay another week or two. Had like a twenty second chat with Mum this morning. She seemed pleased enough to hear my voice. Suppose there are advantages to going back home.

I’ve decided I really don’t want to live in England when I’m older. Here, I’ve come to appreciate good weather, chilled out people and cheap prices. Everyone here speaks English and they all follow a British football team. Unfortunately, it’s usually Manure.
I don’t know where my ideal home would be though. San Francisco Bay, Paris or somewhere obscure like Norway would be so cool.
We played ‘guess the career’ a few days ago on the bus in Etosha. I came out as a bachelor writer living in a London flat, clutter everywhere, drifting in and out of the spotlight, sliding into obscurity. I don’t know if that’s good or not to be honest. Becca’s was surf instructor; Scott’s was mad scientist.
I can see Scott as a mad scientist; inventing something that changes the world but killing himself in the process. Oliver was Mr. 2.6 Children. The family guy with a nice wife, a dog, and a semi in the suburbs. I could see it!

This coach is well snazzy. It has reclining seats and everything! Just seen a security guard stood outside a library in some tiny town. For a start, why? Who wants to run into a library with a sawn off shotgun? What would the demands be? “Put the library stamps in the bag and no one gets hurt! Do it or I’ll take you down”. It just wouldn’t happen. There’s no money in robbing libraries.
So… why have a security guard there? In fact, why have a shiny one as well? All the security guards in Namibia seem to be shiny, weedy, small or all of the three. At home we have bouncers the size of caravans dishing out law and order. I have to say I’ve never seen anyone try to rob Weatherspoons. The Namibian’s need to learn and fatten up their body guards!

Was asked for a coffee a while back. The woman said “Would you like it like me or like you?” I didn’t have a bloody clue what she was on about! I just said “With milk”, to which she laughed. Apparently, as she’s black, she meant black or white coffee. How the hell was I supposed to get that?! Maybe she just doesn’t like the word ‘black’; silly I think.
The coffee was nice though.

Got to the Cardboard Box without too much trouble. Managed to leave chocolate and cake on the coach. Was well gutted and got ripped for it.
One problem with Cardboard Box; they had double booked, so we had no rooms available! Had to be shipped to another lodge for the night. Right pain in the arse.
Although, the boys’ rooms are amazing! The girls had to share a shitty one-room, 7 bed, hole. Thoroughly deserved in my opinion.

Sat up ‘til 12 to sing happy birthday to Lawrence. He seemed pleased enough with our nakered, monotonous effort. What a strange way to spend a birthday.

There’s toilet water all over our floor… oooh yeah feel the cleanliness in the room!

Namibia - Day 21 - Swakopmund

Day 21 – Swakopmund

Writing in retrospect again…
Today was a mooch day. Well, after sandboarding! It was amazing. Having never snowboarded before I was a bit apprehensive. However, streaking down a sand dune knowing you’re out of control and about to bail is actually quite fun.
I bailed every time, and got two on camera! The sledging wipeout was fucking painful. I barrel rolled on my face.
Was left with Becca and Lawrence on top of a dune at the end. The last dune we would walk on. So, we decided to go rolling. I shouldn’t have had the beers beforehand though. Felt shit afterwards.

Roamed around the town for a bit afterwards. Got hassled by salesmen but Becca has developed a perfect way of getting rid of them. Simply blank them and mutter “fuck off” under the breath.

Rowland’s being a cock!

She’s being a right cock!

Back to the blanking technique. Rather than shaking hands with salesmen and form ridiculously stinted friendships, it seems the method of ‘piss off and go away’ works very well to ensure a smooth get away from the market, unscathed.

Had ribs and squid for tea. Absolutely gorgeous. The vegetarians didn’t get their meal on time or correctly. Serves them right for being vegetarian in a steak house.

Namibia - Day 20 - Etosha to Swakopmund

Day 20 – Etosha to Swakopmund

We had to be out at 7:30 today, with tents packed. Ian was well angry, as everyone has lost tent pegs. I reckon he’s lost our pegs so has stolen ours instead.
On bus at the moment. We saw a hyena eating the remnants of a zebra. Vultures or whatever they are were ready for third pickings. I so wanted to get out of the bus. It annoys me that all we see are restricted views of 2D shapes, apparently animals. There’s no interaction! It barely feels like they live in the wild, what with a great fuck-off road nearby.

Just seen a male springbok. I know it’s a male ‘cos of it’s enormous bollocks! Why do all animals have such large bollocks? How on Earth can they run with such things between their legs? Surely they must trip over them. I’d hate to be a zebra with massive thighs. I bet they get crunched all the time. Maybe that’s why they walk looking like they’ve got a pole up their arses. They’re trying to prevent nut-cracking.
On that… elephants. Just thinking back to last night. They’re very large, slow creatures. How the hell is a guy elephant able to perform? He can hardly lift one hoof let alone ‘mount’.

Just had a thought. In Tubusis, I found a sign saying ‘Dik Melk for sale’. I’m sure we can all acknowledge what that means. I’ve now realised why animal bollocks are so massive, so that the ‘milk’ can be marketed and sold to the Namibian population. Clearly demand must be high, so animal bollocks are swelling! A bit like demand for cows milk in England, where you see great big heffers with enormous udders awaiting milking.

Been for a night out in Swakopmund. Well good do. Everyone got proper slaughtered for something or another. Fraser’s private life came up!
Happy drinking tonight really. No one’s gotten off their face which is good. Need to be right for sand boarding tomorrow.
Started reading ‘A good man in Africa’ today after giving up on the shambles that was ‘Brave New World’. One chapter in and already interesting.
Just remembered about my pizza… they’d run out of seafood! I had to have chicken instead. I don’t get it. How can a restaurant situated in a town right next to the coast be out of seafood?! All they have to do is walk down to the end of the road for some ingredients.
Also, went to the market today. Got a wicked mask reduced from N$450 to N$180. I also got a bracelet for N$50 which is cool. Becca managed to break it however. Nick’s been playing with the market men, pretending to be Japanese as he haggles down the price. He did quite well apparently.

Namibia - Day 19 - Etosha

Day 19 – Etosha

My wish for a hot, long shower last night was unfulfilled. Danny and Lawrence and everyone else stole all the hot water, so had a fucking freezing one! Not pleased.
Tea of shit sausages led to star gazing on the road. About to get run over when Becca bailed us all out of the way… cheers Becca!


Done nothing this morning. Went on a drive and almost killed my camera battery. Now I can’t take any more pictures. We have too much food so gorged myself stupid at lunch. At least I felt full for once.

Had by far the best tea of the trip. Minced beef and rice. Becca did the beef which was very much welcomed and complemented, especially after two meals in a row of shit wieners. My rice was bloody good too! Lawrence ended up eating most of his onions.

Been to the watering hole tonight. I say hole, it’s more of a puddle of stagnant water. About 20 elephants turned up. It was amazing! They look so graceful even though they are so large. On that, I saw a giraffe running yesterday. It looked so cool. So much better than when a cow runs. Bloody hell; cows are the most disgusting, ungraceful creatures ever to plod on the Planet’s surface. Lumberous things. Glad I ate one tonight!

Namibia - Day 18 - Tubusis to Etosha

Day 18 – Tubusis to Etosha

Left early today – wooooooooh! I’m glad to move onto something new. I think the rot had set in at Tubusis.
We’re all crammed on a minibus at the moment. There are only 16 seats (thanks Grant) so Susie, Emma, Ian, Becca and Katie are squashed onto the back row. Ian’s pimping it out in style!

Becca’s still on her way to the grave. Her nose is just a leaky tap at the moment. One nostril is completely bunged through. Oli made the joke last night of using her nose as a torch for his tent. She was not amused, and so punched him… good!
On last night, I saw 33 shooting stars. Africa is still in debt to the World however, so my wishes clearly aren’t working. (Oh yes, I’m so fucking moral)

Looking outside. It’s still a Scooby Doo landscape.
I can’t wait to get to Etosha and have a shower. There’s meant to be a huge salt pan which used to be a lake, that has been evaporated by the heat of the Sun. I doubt this happened though. My guess is that the showers at the campsites were once hooked up to the lake, and hoards of smelly, greasy, sweaty expeditionists drained the lake with their extensive washes. I haven’t showered in a week, so am definitely having a long one tonight!

Namibia - Day 17 - Project Day 7 - Tubusis

Day 17 – Project Day 7 – Tubusis

As leader, I was proud to open up the new kindergarden to the children of Tubusis, fully stocked and ready for action. The seemed very pleased. Theresa even smiled!
I feel a bit sorry for Becca at the moment though. The poor little sod has got a bloody nose worse than a 12-round heavyweight boxer’s! It won’t stop either which is crap. Wish it would stop; she’s using up the entire annual Namibian toilet roll supply. What would happen if she bled through the night? Would the tent fill up? Suppose their zip is broken so it would probably leak out and seep into the rest of the campsite… probably.

Was thinking today about the landscape. There’s just a shit load of spikey mountains scattered around the land. It’s like an episode of Scooby Doo; the same background scene is continuously repeated. Actually, meeting Shaggy strolling around the barren lands of Namibia would be cool!

Namibia - Day 16 - Project Day 6 - Tubusis

Day 16 – Project Day 6 – Tubusis

Woke up and have had possibly the worst breakfast I’ve ever had. Namibian porridge is rancid. Like the starchy gloop of pure glucose I had yesterday. But this time I have a bit of sugar. Added jam, but it just made it worse. Cheers guys.
Have got to teach English at 12:10. Bit worried as I don’t speak Africans. So how am I supposed to communicate with the kids? We’ll have to see.

Well… it was brilliant! Nick and I taught spelling, careers, grammar and played hangman. The kids were very good. Got to plan another lesson tomorrow. The kids sang and then prayed at the end of the lesson. It’s so different to England. We would never do something like that in such unison. Go Namibian Education System!

I’ve been told to ponder eggs a bit more, so here goes…
I like eggs. You can do a whole range of things with them. Boiled, scrambled, fried, poached, thrown. Yum yum yum (apart from the thrown one). I still don’t know why people first ate them though. I was listening to a report on the radio back in Blighty about the people of the island of Kilner (Kilner Island). The people’s main food supply was eggs. They had to climb steep cliff edges just to reach the birds’ nests. It seemed a bit extreme to me. Why risk your life for bird sperm when you could just stroll down to Waitrose? (Seriously though, I’d rather grow wheat or summat) I’d much rather grow food and survive than risk my life stealing from a dim-witted buzzard. What kind of species lives on a cliff edge anyway?
It was reported that it was very dangerous to get the eggs. Now, I’m pretty sure people, and in fact all living things, eat so they can survive. It seems these Scottish inbreds died trying to eat. Surely that’s the wrong way round? But may they were just ‘the wrong way round’.

(Princess Diana – Katherine that is brilliant!)

Right I’ve been asked to solve the problem of ‘what came first, the chicken or the egg?’ Should be easy…
We need to look at the creationist theory. The chicken therefore came first. God made the chicken on the 5th day and doth exclaimed a solemn oath ‘I doth declare this creature a chicken. From thine chicken thy shall create a sadistic, hollow franchise chain, called KFC. And I shall fill up thine belly on delicious chicken. For it is the chicken that came first’. (Genesis: Somewhere in the middle)
This section of Genesis is clear evidence of the chicken coming before the egg, especially from the final declaration. It amazes me that no one has realised this. Clearly people don’t read their Old Testament any more. It’s all hype now about the ‘New Testament’. The sequel with Jesus as the protagonist, rather than old God.
People forget that the Old Testament is a bank of knowledge long since forgotten thanks to Jesus and his cronies; commonly known as disciples. And wasn’t it also Moses that etched the 11th commandment ‘The World will knoweth of the chicken cometh first, before the egg’.

Looks like God is right. And you don’t mess with God.

Namibia - Day 15 - Project Day 5 - Tubusis

Day 15 – Project Day 5 – Tubusis

Didn’t have time to write on this day, so writing in retrospect.
Went to church service. It was definitely an eye opener. They all sing really well. We did a rendition of Wonderwall which was shite; the Lord’s prayer went down well though.
The vicar went rambling on about an analogy of God and humans being like a car crash. Strange, but I suppose when you do a service every week, you need to use your imagination after a while.

We had eggs for lunch. Omelette or scrambled. I was thinking in the church about eggs. What drove a person to sample the remnants of a chicken’s reproductive system in the first place anyway? It confuses me. Well… it baffles me. Eggs are nice – granted – but who would think of first eating them?

Went up another mountain in the evening. It was a right climb. So much for Sunday being the day of bloody rest! Scrambled up to the top and couldn’t even admire the view due to picking shit out of my socks. One word to describe Namibia… prickly!

Made bolognaise. But, made too much, so me and Lawrence had a massive amount of sauce. Another problem; our pasta was cooked in very starchy water, and so merged into a gloop of crap. The bolognaise couldn’t penetrate the rapidly cooling mush below, and so had boiling hot bolognaise, followed by cold, tasteless pasta.

Did some star gazing. Saw 12 shooting stars. Go me!

Namibia - Day 14 - Project Day 4 - Tubusis

Day 14 – Project Day 4 – Tubusis

Everyone enjoyed the drunkenness last night. Whisky and coke for me! Or in Susie’s case Zorba and Sprite. That smelt rancid! Like sambuca. I don’t know how people can even be around that kind of stench. Maybe it’s a mental thing. Or maybe their tastebuds don’t work.
Emma was kicking me all bloody night. She was wriggling like a salmon out of water. It hurt! Plus I lost my carry mat = ouch,

Not really done much today. Oliver is confused. We’re whistling to him. Oli’s toes are massive. They’re bigger than Emma’s fingers! Absolute freak. He says he’s shaving his hair off when he gets home. He’ll look like a right tit.
Having a drawing competition with The Artist Known as Katie. Got to draw Oli’s foot… I think I’ve lost.

Oh my word! I’ve won! I won on default because Katie drew 6 toes. Still… I beat an art student.

Here comes a cow (little darling).

Namibia - Day 13 - Project Day 3 - Tubusis

Day 13 – Project Day 3 – Tubusis

Building is complete! Well, erect at least. We need to travel to Windhoek to get furniture and shit. One problem. The door is solid wood and varnished. It is therefore main priority for robbers. It’s so gonna get nicked. Easy pickings.

Katie and I have been to Ivan’s house today. It’s next to the Cool Corner’, a now disused club owned by Ivan. He says he’s coming down either tonight or tomorrow to drink some whisky. Can’t wait! I’ve come half way around the world and have ended up drinking Scotch whisky… nice.

Today looks like drunk day. Lost to Lawrence for the first time at chess, after 16 games unbeaten! Absolutely gutted. A cheeky mate if you ask me.
Therefore, I have my bottles of Scotch and coke and ready for some alcoholic consumption. Can’t wait!

Susie and I made soup today after we felt so impoverished from a miniscule breakfast and lunch. Cauliflower cheese for tea… Thank God I had the soup.

Namibia - Day 12 - Project Day 2 - Tubusis

Day 12 – Project Day 2 – Tubusis

Sat on top of another mountain waiting for the Sun. The mountain’s called Umaruru or something like that. I hope today goes better. I’m hoping to meet the Chief or Police, along with helping out in English lessons in the school.
Should be fun…?

The guys came with the supplies! Half a building up now. Been for a mega hike up yet another hill. Bouldering rather than hiking to be honest.

My feet stink. They’re really bad. Worse than a fat man’s armpit after a gruelling 10 metre walk… disgusting!

Just been handed my work gloves back from the owner Theresa. I wish she would smile. I’m sure she’s a nice lady but there’s something strange about her. She has stark white eyes which contrast vividly against her deep black skin. She stares at you as though expecting something. I wish she smiled…

Namibia - Day 11 - Project Day 1 - Tubusis

Day 11 – Project Day 1 – Tubusis

Been a bit of a downer today. Arrived last night to a rapturous welcome by seemingly everyone in town. The seemed really pleased to see us. And they are. But they were expecting a new building. Whilst we were expecting to renovate the old one. We now have bought N$16,000 worth of materials for a new building.

Another problem seems to be the attitude of some of the locals. We’ve been asked for sweets and food already. We’re not and aid organisation! We’re here for the main thing; the kindergarden.

Hopefully the coming days will get better.

Namibia - Day 10 - Namibgrens to Usakos

Day 10 – Namibgrens to Usakos

Had to wake up at 5 this morning for a 9-hour drive to the project. Awoke to Oli’s arse in my face. His arse gets everywhere when in the tent. It’s so fucking annoying! Plus it looks huge in his long johns. It’s even worse crammed in a two-man tent. It fills every available space.

Sat next to Susie in the truck at the moment. Across from us Fraser and Emma are snuggled up to one another. They’re the most unlikely and abstract pairing I’ve ever seen. Amazed Emma hasn’t twatted him yet. Funny if she did though.

George has been trying to sleep on the truck again. I don’t know why he does this. Surely he got enough kip last night in his own tent. He looks ill as he tries to sleep. Like a plagued dinosaur. He’s just lifted his head up. The window he was leaning on is as greasy as a restaurant frying pan after a 6-hour shift. Disgusting.

Get in! Susie’s contemplating letting me read her journal!

He’s sat forward now slobbed on his hand, staring at… Fraser’s arse? Possibly. Fraser’s muttering the words to his MP3, with Susie’s fly glasses lavishly wrapped round his massive head. He looks like a genetic mutation between fly and man.
Jennie looks beautifully British. Sat crossed-legged, staring sombrely out of the window, as though she’s lost something.
I wish Owen would either slow down or speed up and find some bloody tarmac road! This shit is a pain to write on.

Woooooooh! Tarmac! Oh I can write again!

He’s still sat forwards. He still looks ill.

Shit! Westlife have come on! Get off the tarmac please!
Owen’s got his seatbelt on now. Yeah, ‘cos tarmac is a lot more dangerous that gravel ones. Shocking.

He’s asleep again. It amuses me how much sleep one person needs.

Namibia - Day 9 - End of 2-day hike, Namibgrens

Day 9 – End of 2-Day hike, Namibgrens

6:45 Was quite cold last night. Again only probably got a few hours sleep. May roll mat really is just a beach mat. It’s so shallow and thin.
Due to lack of sleep I’ve decided to have a look round. Am sat on a mound of boulders waiting for the Sun to rise. Should be good; I need a bit of warmth.
Have my buff over my face at the minute and it absolutely stinks! Suppose that’s what happens when you sweat in it all day.
Fro my mound I can see the camp. Loads of sleeping bags lined up outside. Scott’s just moved. I think he was snoring last night. It seems to be a hot topic of conversation, snoring. I’m glad I don’t do it!

6:55 Still waiting for the Sun. There’s a water pool down to my right which I’m hoping will attract some wildlife soon. Bit pissed off I’ve forgotten my camera. I wonder where my spare battery is…
I’ve just noticed some shit next to me. I wonder what it is? Doubt it’s baboon; it’s all pallety. Maybe those dassies? We’ve followed painted dassies on the trail. Katie said they look like marmots, so they’re now called marmites. Oh the hilarity!
There was some marmite in a shop in Jo-burg airport, called ‘Out of Africa’ or ‘A taste of Africa’ or something like that. Now, I’m sure we have marmite at home. Unless it’s better in some way over here. Probably made out of slaughtered goat rather than rotten veg.

7:05 Just realised I’m sat on the only rock now that doesn’t have sunlight. I’m directly below a larger hill, so probably won’t see shine for half an hour! There’s still no one up at the camp… boring bastards.
Ooo… some are moving. Bet it takes ages to realise I’m gone. Wrote a message on my carry mat, but I doubt they’re that observant.
Nope! They’ve all gone to sleep again.
I think the Sun’s rising path goes in parallel to this hill’s gradient infront of me. Everywhere else is in glorious sunshine. Just seen a marmite scuttle past. Get in. Pity I don’t have my camera. Looks like I know who’s shit it was though.

They’ve noticed me. My whistle got JT’s attention. It echoes really load. Cool.
Here comes the Sun… Fuck me did I pick the wrong rock! … Wow! Now that’s a sunrise… Heat!
Everyone else is up now. I suppose I might as well go back down and get my bollocking off Ian.

Having a mooch day it seems. Beat Nick in a fantastic game of chess. All round the pool at the moment. Danny seems pissed off. Probably due to us nicking all the food!... Need to play Lawrence soon. He’s unbeaten as well. On a 10-game winning streak at the moment. I bet Lawrence ruins it.

Namibia - Day 8 - Start of 2-day, Namibgrens

Day 8 – Start of 2-day hike, Namibgrens

Sat at huts after a long slog today. I say huts, it’s a bloody barn, with the stuff they use for cat litter on the floor to sleep on. For some reason, there’s shit there too!
Still, a good day. Leading a 17km (navigating) trek across the Namibian highlands was fantastic. Very hard though.
Becca and Oli eventually came on the hike, which is good as they wanted to but were prepared to give up their place. Fraser decided to turn back. Bit of a tit. I don’t think he wanted to leave the ‘fuck-me freezing’ pool. Danny stayed because of Owen… George and Louise… well…

Back to the present, the fire’s looking good again. We’ve got four trangias roaring away! Bolognaise for tea, yum!
We really are in the middle of nowhere here. There’s boulders all around us decorating neighbouring hills. It’s quiet. No wildlife… yet.
There must be some though. One of the rooms looks like a massive litter tray. I was going to piss in it, but asked before and was told strictly not to. The toilet we don have is so strange. A hole in a plank of wood. It stinks! Well I suppose it is a hole in the floor. If I crapped in a hole in the floor every day I think it would whiff too.
I’m not using that toilet. I don’t want arse splinters. Nick has just advertised the fact that he is off for some alone time in said toilet. I can’t wait to hear the screams… He’s just left early. Looks like the toilet will not be used.
Lawrence has been appointed ‘Scott Minder’ for the day tomorrow. He needs it. He loses everything. Today was his day to lose his passport. Took first malarial today… nice.

The stars are out. I mean out! Never seen so many. It’s beautiful. We’re going to turn all the lights out and gaze for a while soon. I’ve called dibs on ‘The Kite’. It’s mine!

Sleeping outside tonight. Star gazing. Susie and Emma are whinging… babies.

Namibia - Day 7 - Naukluft to Namibgrens

Day 7 – Naukluft to Namibgrens

7:20 Just woken up. Tent opened and first thing I see is George sitting there, with a bowl, waiting for food. It’s like feeding time at the zoo… He’s just spat on the floor.

7:30 People are packing up. He’s still sat there.

7:45 He’s still sat there.

7:50 Movement! He’s had to get up for a shower under the rule of Ian. Apparently he’s mucky.

Playing the ‘shooby doo’ game on the coach. It’s really hard. Got Oasis though. Fraser tried ‘Shoot the Chelsea Scum’ to little effect.

Having a bit of a mooch day today. Been in Namibgrens camp al afternoon. The shop is awesome! With a gorgeous smell of cooking roast in the kitchen. I could do with a roast; would certainly prefer one to the stuff we’re going to have tonight… Danny and Susie are cooking.
They have a pool as well. Everyone was really excited ‘til they realised it was testicle-shrivelling cold. I still can’t find anything down there yet. On a good note, bullet nips are fun to laugh at.
Fraser was fumbling with himself, clearly in search of something. I think he was concerned something had frozen off, or maybe it was the ladies in their swimming stuff… Dirty bastard.
Susie wouldn’t go in the pool so we gave her a deal she couldn’t refuse. Scott and I, caped in towels, had to pretend to be Batman and Robin. The deal was that Susie would jump in the pool if Scott and I ran, superhero-style, to the shop, stood like superheroes, ordered food like superheroes, and run back, dressed in nothing but shorts and cape.
We did, and credit to Susie she kept to her word and dived in. My opinion of her is now astronomical.

We’re going on a 2-day hike tomorrow to some mountain huts. Should be good. I feel sorry for Oli and Becca though. The group has split because some can’t do the 2-day hike, and so Becca and Oli have opted to stay with the other three. It’s a pity they can’t come ‘cos they may feel they’ve missed out on something.

Sat under Katie’s sarong. It’s really warm. I may buy one myself. Would rather buy sweets though,

Namibia - Day 6 - Naukluft hike

Day 6 – Naukluft hike

Sat at lunch at the moment. Half way through a hot 17km hike. I’m OK but concerned that the group (certain members) won’t be able to complete it. They definitely won’t be able to complete the two and three-day walks. I don’t want to sound unsympathetic but it is a pain. We’ve had two years to prepare for this. Surely enough to get into shape!

I gave Susie a challenge today… last all trek without being sarcy or American, and she can call her 2-drinks debt quits. If she loses she owes me N$10.

She’s failed… 40 minutes in.

Lawrence, Katie, Becca and I have had the honour of cooking tonight. We did chilli with rice. It was lovely; deemed the best meal yet. The veggie stuff was even better. Me and Lawrence scooped out the pot! Possibly the first time I’ve ever thought highly of veggie food… usually it’s rancid.

My opinion of Susie has reached new heights. She owed me N$30, and she’s just paid me without probing. What a lovely lady. We played ‘kiss, miss and marry’ today. Big Suz came out as marry. I think my life would be complete if I married Susie. I’d be able to laugh to my heart’s content. My kiss would probably be Becca, miss would be… (edited for obvious reasons)

Beat Ian at chess! Twice! Was really pleased, although he’s challenged me to more later on. Will have to get into training. Oli has confessed to not knowing how to play. I will have to train him vigorously. Karate Kid style. He will need to learn the art of moving his right hand to pick up pieces, if he is going to progress at a suitable rate. I will beat him with a stick if he fails to comply with my training schedule.

Namibia - Day 5 - Sesriem to Naukluft

Day 5 – Sesriem to Naukluft

Sat down about to have a group meeting about upcoming trek. Been sat in coach for 3 hours and wouldn’t come to a decision. Hopefully we’ll come to one now…
Came to a decision! Doing the 10km trek at 1:30. Hopefully we’ll be fine…

We all (well some of us) slept outside last night. Katie prodded me in the middle of the night, which woke me up. Apparently I was snoring, although I didn’t hear anything. I reckon she was just bored so decided to take it out on me.

Been to a very big hill today, called the Olive Trail. It was a good hike, with us getting there and beck before sunset. Best bit was preventing Susie from being sarcastic for an hour on the way back. She failed a lot but eventually succeeded. Went for an all-nighter for N$30 but failed. She just couldn’t contain her sarcasm!

Made burgers tonight which was good. People are complaining about not having enough meat. I don’t understand why they need it. Their argument is protein, but that’s just bollocks. If they didn’t know it existed they wouldn’t be arsed. Apparently it helps build muscles. But so what!? We’re not on a body-building trip. We need carbs for energy, not meat for muscles.

Namibia - Day 4 - Dune 45 and Sesriem Canyon

Day 4 – Sesriem Canyon, Dune 45

Went to Dune 45 today. A fantastic spot to watch the sunrise. Stupidly decided to sprint up the dune with Scott, which led o a 15 minute break half way up. I was coughing my guts up! Got to top eventually though, with an amazing view as my reward.
Scott, Lawrence, Becca and I decided to take the long way back, frolicking over the dune-face. We managed to throw Becca down the dune which amused us all. Loads of strange bugs around.

Been to Sesriem Canyon. Having lunch at the moment. Want to go back down! Susie and I think we’ve found Pride Rock, where Lion King was filmed. We decided to take a look, so climbed up and realised it wasn’t. Found a load of bugs whilst Fraser had a wee though.

Susie asked on the bus about socks. The quote was along the lines of ‘Do socks have specific feet?’ This was agreed to be a stupid question, as the group’s perception and opinion of Susie fell, if not plummeted.

Sat behind bins at the moment with Susie, George and Fraser. Oli has just shown us his tank top. He looks amazing in it. Fraser’s just commented ‘when it’s summer and it’s hot, why can’t you wear a tank top?’ This amused us all.

Danny’s just fallen over… good. George is slobbed against the bins… yuk.

There are bugs everywhere. Fraser and Susie were scared in the Canyon, but I thought it was fascinating. Fraser likes Ian’s body though. ‘Hench’ was the word he used. I don’t think he’s 50. Maybe he’s lying to impress us. He is very sarcastic.

Sleeping under stars tonight. Should be good. Climbed a huge sand ridge to watch the sunset. Becca only just missed it which was shit, although she did help bury Nick. Ian got there about 30 minutes before me and Lawrence. He’s just extreme!
Sue’s just told us to be quiet and sleep. Why are adults always grumpy at night on trips? They were young once… no way is Ian 50.

Namibia - Day 3 - Windhoek to Sesriem

Day 3 – Windhoek to Sesriem

Everything went well in the morning today. Up at 7, pancakes at 8, out at 9, although George decided to have a shower during breakfast.
Problems have occurred in Windhoek however. 4 of the group have taken nearly 2 hours to get bus tickets. It best be a good bus back from Swakopmund!
Got a 6-hour journey ahead of us. We’ve hung our washing above us, which is good to get stuff dry, but bad for Becca who has Oli’s long johns flapping in her face! Poor girl.

Oli is Safety Officer. He’s doing a good job. He helped me take my seatbelt off.

George and Nick have had an argument over money. Apparently George gave Nick some cash and wants it back. It was only N$80, about £6. I’d pay £6 to make them both shut up. OK so you can buy a house with that money over here, but it wasn’t worth squabbling over. Nick denied any part of it. I don’t know how it was resolved.

Stopped on roadside for lunch. It was lovely and quiet, with road stretching from horizon to horizon. I even ate a tomato in my sandwich! Is this meant to signify something? I’ve never had tomato willingly before, but felt compelled to today. Maybe this is part of the ‘learning experience’ that they went on about when selling us the expedition 2 years ago. Am I meant to feel enlightened or centred? Have I spent £2000 to ‘find myself’ in a tomato?

Still on the bus. George is trying to sleep. He’s slobbed his cheek against the wall, and keeps slipping forward every few seconds, only to jerk his head up again, just before he knocks his face. I don’t know why he doesn’t just sleep upright with his head back? Maybe he likes the thrill of trying to stay awake.

Fraser’s sitting back. He’s loving it!

Sat in tent now. It’s late and we need to be up early. Oli’s just coughed all over the tent, and has now just burped.
It’s been an enjoyable day. Pasta for tea. I did the washing up. Fraser pissed Katie off so she threw crappy water all over him. Fraser seems to be the water victim so far… Oli says ‘what a baby’.

I wonder about the moon. Is it the same face as we see at home? Or does the Man in the Moon turn his back on Africa? Plus the stars. Are they the same? I couldn’t see the Milky Way which is a shame, but should I have done? This is a time when I would like Patrick Moor to be here, to tell me the important things. (Sir)

I have loads of battery and memory on my camera. There’s a problem however. I call it the ketchup problem. You know when you have a meal, say chips, meat and veg, you have a dollop of ketchup on the side of the plate. When applying ketchup to other items on the plate, it is used in accordance, in order to ensure there is ketchup present throughout. If I used it all up in my first three mouth fulls I’d be annoyed. Well I have this problem at the moment. I have lots of memory but maybe not enough battery power. So what happens if it expires? Unlike ketchup I can’t just add more. I’m at a restaurant where it costs a bomb for condiments, so don’t want any more and so have to use my battery power sparingly, choosing my shot, so that I don’t run out before the trip is over.
I could run into another dilemma as well though. If I use photos sparingly now, I may have a load of free battery power and memory at the end of the trip, meaning I’ve wasted photo opportunities in the days before. Just like ketchup, where rationing it at the start of the meal can lead to wasted surplus at the end, I either consume it in large amounts and ruin my last few bites of my meal, or throw it away afterwards.
How I will ever solve my dilemma I do not know!

Good night!

Namibia - Day 2 - Johannesburg, Windhoek and hostel

Day 2 – Plane, Johannesburg and Windhoek

Just finished a feast of chicken and rice on the plane. It was quite nice, but not plentiful. I suppose they do need to keep the weight of the plane down however. Maybe that’s why we only get small bottles of wine.
Got a film on the TV thingy called Sideways. It’s good. It’s an interesting film; looks into the mindset of a divorced wine-buff. Slow but well written.
[Nick’s just eaten his 6th desert. At least he won’t starve in Namibia now]
It’s 5:55am – still on plane after about 4 hours of kip. No one is awake apart from Nick, Becca and myself. The map says we’re above the D.R Congo. I think it’s unstable. It’s probably a good thing we’re not going there.

Why do they make plane seats so uncomfortable? They put all this effort into giving you a blanket and face mask each, but they’re useless if your sleeping position (Nick’s just said bollocks) is as uncomfortable as that first pause of silence you get when you’ve met someone for the first time.
Maybe they purposely make the chairs hard to sleep in just so we buy more crap from the trolleys to dampen our boredom? Or maybe they just got tired after designing the whole bloody plane and so sacked off the seats, gave that task to some student observer, and went for lunch.

Landed.

Nick has managed to steal his toga off the plane. I’m annoyed; I was told to leave mine.

Had possibly my most exciting moment of the trip to date… Whilst ordering a £2 mocha and sarnie, my eyes were distracted by a beautiful reddy / orange cockroach, crawling under the coffee machine. Even though we’re in a terminal, it’s obvious we’re in another country. It had a smaller one following it. Maybe that was its kid. Do cockroaches have singular children?

Just taken off again. Have a window seat this time but of course have a wing blocking my view. There seems to be a mist that falls in layer with the clouds. I can’t imagine it’s pollution, maybe from the sea? Although we are inland a bit.
There’s a sign on the top of the wing. It says ‘Do no walk outside this area’. Is this directed at me? How am I supposed to get outside? Maybe that’s why they tell you the air temperature, to act as a disincentive to possible wing-walkers. I’d probably fall off anyway.

My right ear’s going mental. I think it’s the air pressure, ‘cos nothing can escape as it’s buggered. It hurts quite a bit. Hopefully it won’t explode. I’d hate to get brain stain on their clean seats.

Some tit has stolen my roll mat! Came off the plane and it wasn’t on my bag. I’d even packed it in my bag, but people said I might as well put it on the outside. Thanks team!
Who would want to nick it anyway? It was shit. Had been half eaten by mice in the loft anyway. Plus it’s my brother’s.

Got to buy a new mat now. Sat in front of fire at the moment, buzzing about my new watch. £8 for a watch is good I reckon.
The fire’s well warm. I think Susie (sat behind me) is on the verge of intoxication. Danny and Scott agree with me.

Susie is rat-arsed!

Just had a sausage and now lost my leadership. Louise takes over now. My work here is done.

Rachel has an eye infection. It looks bad and I feel so sorry for her. She always gets ill when going away. I blame that Culshaw! I hope she’s OK for the rest of the trip though. I tried to consolidate her by saying ‘At least she doesn’t have to do anything, being ill’, but she didn’t seem to be pleased about that.
Something tells me some of us will get food poisoning tomorrow, after an undercooked mass BBQ. My sausage was nice though.

Susie’s just said ‘Oh my God!’ for no reason at all. She’s so American.

About to go to bed in hostel. Oli has his long johns on. He looks simply gorgeous. Fraser’s sleeping under him tonight, so looks like a long night. Fraser’s being crude, so Oli’s chucked water over him. The pair of them are complete babies.
Fraser has just said… ‘Oli, should I wank over your mum or your sister tonight?’ – What a disgusting child. Oli didn’t reply.

Namibia - Day 1 - Airport Day

Day 1 – Airport Day

Sat in Waiting at the moment. Apparently the flight’s delayed 2 hours! I suppose this is normal though, and it leaves me with more time, not that there’s much to do to fill it.
Why do people seem to think ‘duty free shopping’ is good; somehow better than normal shopping?
I’ve just looked around WH Smiths. It’s well pricey! Saw a journal for £14! This is only a fiver, which is much better I reckon.
Becca and I went for a look around the shops. Found a Harrods. I can’t believe they have a Harrods here. It has a half-price sale, which is pointless ‘cos it’s still more expensive than any other shop. Plus, the only people that regularly shop in Harrods are those who are wealthy enough to buy the swanky stuff they sell in there! So why have a sale at all?
They were selling Christmas Bears, which is silly as it’s July. Who the hell buys Christmas presents in Harrods’ Heathrow store in July?!
[Apparently crisp packets are made from foil and plastic – Oliver knows his shit]
Jennie’s cracked open her cheese and marmite sandwiches again. I don’t get it. It must be disgusting… although, Jennie does like strange things… vegetarian.
Nick has managed to rip his crotch already. Apparently they’re new! But then again they were only £2 he says. Scott seems to have established himself as clown of the group, having already lost / forgot his wallet, books, passport and a lot more… He’s not been trusted with group money. He did manage to pay for his pizza however. Oli didn’t.

Sat on plane now. Got Emma to my right with Nick and Becca to my left. Nick is flirting with someone from Ipswich.
We all have a swanky TV. Some man has just shouted down the tannoy system!
Just about to take off, it’s really boring. Someone’s playing some shite music behind me.
Still during take off. There’s a map on the TV infront of us. What’s the point in having a map at the moment? We’re still over London!
The TV gives us ‘facts’ about the plane. This is pointless. OK, it’s good to know how fast we’re going; quite interesting. But, I don’t want to know ‘outside air temperature’. Why would I? What use is it to me? Currently it’s -51°c. Now why do I need to know that? Am I meant to feel assured that if the plane rips apart I’ll freeze to death before we burst into flames? Or am I meant to be appreciative of the plane’s lovely heat-containing ability? I think it’s a level of statistic not needed.